Day 6 : Hard to Remember, Hard to Forget
Tomorrow, I am going back to work.
Sort of.
When we found out we were pregnant with our second child, circumstances arose that made it possible for me to not have to return to work as a full time teacher this fall. I would, however, need to find some part time work to contribute some financial income so we would have a place to live or something like that.
Thankfully, a dear friend of mine was looking to exit a job that required only one day a week and was basically the exact amount of income we would need to meet our financial responsibilities and goals. One day I hope to tell you the whole story, but for now let's just give all credit and thanks to God for how He truly works all things together for good. (Reference verse 28, but take a few minutes to read the whole chapter. So good.)
I started working this job back in June, then took time off for the birth of Ezra. Tomorrow is my first day back since August. Preparing for this day feels quite different from when I went back to work after having Judah, our first son. Gathering bottles and breast pump supplies tonight felt very familiar, but very different from the first time I went through these same motions.
It's hard to remember, not because I can't recall the feelings and events, but because I can. I remember buying waterproof mascara because I'd already been crying for days leading up to the end of my maternity leave. Every night I would hold Judah for as long as possible because I knew that the next day, my arms would be emptied of my child and filled with 20something children who weren't mine. Twice a day, I would leave these kids to chill out in a closet in the library filled with record players and filmstrip projectors so that I could continue to provide sustenance for my baby - far from the smooth rocking chair and soft tiny lips I was used to. I couldn't wait for the end of the day every day. I had been a teacher who came early and stayed late and now I was a teacher who came late and left early. I still got my work done, mind you, and I still loved the kids in my class. I just loved another kid so so much more.
These motions repeated day after day. I don't know what was worse, the stuttered sleep at night dreading leaving my baby or mornings when I actually had to do it.
Please don't misunderstand. I was incredibly thankful for my job and I think I was good at it. I loved teaching. I loved my co-workers. I didn't feel guilty for leaving my child - he was in wonderful, loving hands every day. I didn't think working made me a bad mother. It was simply that I wanted to be with him and at home. But I was resigned to the fact that for this season, this is where God wanted me to be and I prayed fervently that He would provide a way for me to be home.
It's hard to think about times in our lives that are filled with pain, dissatisfaction, or regret, but remembering them makes it harder to forget the journey and the truth that someone else is walking a similar path.
I have not forgotten the struggle of doing this day after day, of being in one place and feeling like you should be somewhere else. I am sure that I will never forget how God's hand carries me through, so that I can be part of this perfect plan. And I will not forget that His grace was sufficient, still is sufficient, and leads me through each day of the path He is having me walk.
Tonight, as I am putting together bottles and work-bags, I am praying for you. I am praying for daily grace and strength. I am praying a heart of thanksgiving rather than resentment. I am praying for words of encouragement and hope. I am praying for contentment and peace. I am praying for rest and readiness.
I am praying for the mother who is dreading the return to work because she desires deeply to stay home.
I am praying for the mother who is eager to return to work to get back some semblance of normalcy and routine - for the sake of herself and her family.
I am praying for the mother who is staying home and sometimes wonders if she is making any difference at all.
I am praying for you - woman, man, mother, father - who are just trying to figure out where God wants you to be, whether this desire in you is a self-desire or a God-desire.
Tonight, I encourage you to not forget the journeys that God has and is taking you on. Think of those and look for those who may be experiencing the same thing. Don't forget to share your story - you may be the hope and encouragement someone else is needing today.
Join me, @jasmyndenton, on Instagram or Twitter in #NotForgettingThis
This is the sixth post in the series 31 Days of Not Forgetting.
Sort of.
When we found out we were pregnant with our second child, circumstances arose that made it possible for me to not have to return to work as a full time teacher this fall. I would, however, need to find some part time work to contribute some financial income so we would have a place to live or something like that.
Thankfully, a dear friend of mine was looking to exit a job that required only one day a week and was basically the exact amount of income we would need to meet our financial responsibilities and goals. One day I hope to tell you the whole story, but for now let's just give all credit and thanks to God for how He truly works all things together for good. (Reference verse 28, but take a few minutes to read the whole chapter. So good.)
I started working this job back in June, then took time off for the birth of Ezra. Tomorrow is my first day back since August. Preparing for this day feels quite different from when I went back to work after having Judah, our first son. Gathering bottles and breast pump supplies tonight felt very familiar, but very different from the first time I went through these same motions.
It's hard to remember, not because I can't recall the feelings and events, but because I can. I remember buying waterproof mascara because I'd already been crying for days leading up to the end of my maternity leave. Every night I would hold Judah for as long as possible because I knew that the next day, my arms would be emptied of my child and filled with 20something children who weren't mine. Twice a day, I would leave these kids to chill out in a closet in the library filled with record players and filmstrip projectors so that I could continue to provide sustenance for my baby - far from the smooth rocking chair and soft tiny lips I was used to. I couldn't wait for the end of the day every day. I had been a teacher who came early and stayed late and now I was a teacher who came late and left early. I still got my work done, mind you, and I still loved the kids in my class. I just loved another kid so so much more.
These motions repeated day after day. I don't know what was worse, the stuttered sleep at night dreading leaving my baby or mornings when I actually had to do it.
Please don't misunderstand. I was incredibly thankful for my job and I think I was good at it. I loved teaching. I loved my co-workers. I didn't feel guilty for leaving my child - he was in wonderful, loving hands every day. I didn't think working made me a bad mother. It was simply that I wanted to be with him and at home. But I was resigned to the fact that for this season, this is where God wanted me to be and I prayed fervently that He would provide a way for me to be home.
It's hard to think about times in our lives that are filled with pain, dissatisfaction, or regret, but remembering them makes it harder to forget the journey and the truth that someone else is walking a similar path.
I have not forgotten the struggle of doing this day after day, of being in one place and feeling like you should be somewhere else. I am sure that I will never forget how God's hand carries me through, so that I can be part of this perfect plan. And I will not forget that His grace was sufficient, still is sufficient, and leads me through each day of the path He is having me walk.
Tonight, as I am putting together bottles and work-bags, I am praying for you. I am praying for daily grace and strength. I am praying a heart of thanksgiving rather than resentment. I am praying for words of encouragement and hope. I am praying for contentment and peace. I am praying for rest and readiness.
I am praying for the mother who is dreading the return to work because she desires deeply to stay home.
I am praying for the mother who is eager to return to work to get back some semblance of normalcy and routine - for the sake of herself and her family.
I am praying for the mother who is staying home and sometimes wonders if she is making any difference at all.
I am praying for you - woman, man, mother, father - who are just trying to figure out where God wants you to be, whether this desire in you is a self-desire or a God-desire.
Tonight, I encourage you to not forget the journeys that God has and is taking you on. Think of those and look for those who may be experiencing the same thing. Don't forget to share your story - you may be the hope and encouragement someone else is needing today.
Join me, @jasmyndenton, on Instagram or Twitter in #NotForgettingThis
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| Easy, fun, and cheap activity! Cut shapes out of craft foam {dollar store}. Draw pumpkin on bathtub wall with Expo markers {teachers love Expo markers!}. When wet, the foam shapes stick to the side of the tub. Beware, the purple-pink color fades and will stain your bathtub. Bleach works. Not forgetting a toddler who made the scariest looking Jack-o-Lantern face ever. |
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| Not forgetting the necessities. |
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| Not forgetting a sweet friend who gifted me this bag. Not forgetting my Christmas coffee mug - because I basically work across the street from a Starbucks. |
Lifting you up in prayer today. It's a bad thing to leave our babies, no matter how often or for how short a time. I'm "that" mom you mentioned who has to go back to work despite desiring deeply to stay home, I hate pumping and yet see it as my connection with my daughter (almost 7 months). Hugs! Prayers for an easy first day.
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