#tbt : Cradle to Crib

Tomorrow, Judah turns two. Yes. Two. Tomorrow. {I needed to say that again to myself...I still don't quite believe it.} 

In March 2013, I wrote a blog post that I never published. It seemed too out-of-the-blue to post and I was in a season when I could not commit to frequent writing in this space. Since the social media networks have declared all Thursdays 'Throw-Back Thursday', I'm throwing back to the first night that Judah slept in his crib. 

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“Is Judah sleeping in his bed tonight?” The strong, gentle voice asked, well, more like suggested. He’d been trying to convince me that this was a good idea for some time now. I, however, have been perfectly content with this small child snoozing in his cradle pressed against my side of the bed. No breath, grunt, turn of the tiny head went unnoticed. From the long, sleepless first night we brought him home, my precious baby resided contentedly in a space originally designated as a room for two. 

I knew that the day would come when Judah would make the trek across the hall {literally, 10 steps from my side of the bed} and sleep - alone - in his room. We had discussed that three months would be the limit of his stay in our bedroom. That arbitrary day came and went...and so did another month. 

The eve of his eighteen week birthday, the topic was, again, on the table. And this time, instead of crying, I meekly replied, “We can try.” 

“We made that room for him. I loved my room when I was a kid. I want him to have that, too,” the reassuring voice reminded me. It was true. Painting, assembling furniture, putting away pint-sized footed pajamas - every detail was crafted with the idea that the baby would actually be in this space. I, too, loved my room. As an introvert, I needed a space to breathe, retreat, think, and rest - yes, even as a kid. I share the sentiment. I want our baby to have this, too.

The day did not seem as long as the one before. Play time passed too quickly. During bath-time, I explained {feigning excitement} to Judah that he would get to sleep in his crib, but that he was not that far from where he usually slept. I told him how much Mommy and Daddy love him and that we made that room just for him before he was even born. {Paused to choke back tears.} I promised that I would be able to hear him and would be by his side in a flash if he needed me. {Another pause.} He splashed in the warm water, sucked on the washcloth, and smiled a toothless grin. 

The bedtime routine established weeks ago played out without flaw. 
Bath, massage, pajamas, pacifier. 
Talking through the pages of Lullaby Moon
Blue blanket against his cheek. 
Edelweiss. 
A kiss from Daddy - “Goodnight, buddy. Sleep good. I love you.”

A short trip down the hall had me standing beside his white crib. Was I really going to lay him down and walk out? Would the baby monitor really work? Will he be ok without me? Will I be ok without him? I couldn’t linger in the questions - they’d send me, babe in arms, across the hall to snuggle in our bed. My lips rested on his forehead. “Goodnight, bug. I love you.” 

It was not a moment of triumph. It was not bittersweet. Really, it was just sad. I know the moments fly by - already too fast for my taste. I spent nine months with him snug inside of me and I’ve spent the last 18 weeks trying to keep him just as close. Not out of fear or protectiveness, but this crazy love that deepens with every heartbeat. 

Yes, I know it’s good for him. I know it’s good for us, too. But it certainly didn’t feel good. I know he has to, over time, become more independent. This was a first step. 

“Was he ok?” His tired voice softly asked.

“Yes, he is perfectly fine.”

“Are you ok?”

Pause. Breath.

“I am going to go cry in the bathtub.”


And I did.

The empty cradle...and his door across the hall.

18 Week Judah - what a cutie!


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Afterword: Judah did well in his crib. The baby monitor did work, although we ended up not using it because I could hear him without it. He really was close by. Judah is now in a twin size bed {most nights} and his little brother will soon transition to that same crib. I'll let you know when that time comes. 

We are celebrating the remaining hours of Judah's last-day-of-being-one playing at home. I am sure there will be Play Doh, trains, cars, and balls involved. 

Comments

  1. Aw. My little one is 9 months old in two days and she still sleeps in our bed. If she's like her sister, she'll stay there until she is capable of sleeping in a toddler bed. And I remember the first night big sis slept in her room - I don't think I slept at all. I was listening and waiting and holding my breath... It doesn't matter when that transition is, it's tough :-)

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    1. I love the nights when my oldest boy climbs in our bed {although it means Daddy usually moves to the twin bed across the hall!}. I like knowing that despite moving toward independence, he isn't yet completely independent. {And, truly, I hope he never thinks he is - that we never think we are - completely without need of one another.}

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